Recently I’ve been practising the Befriending Meditation which is part of Mark William’s new course, Deeper Mindfulness*. At the same time you’re invited to practise the Turning Towards Difficulty Meditation. Without really considering it properly, I’ve always thought of these two meditations as counter balancing one another. You’re really compassionate to yourself so then you can deal with facing difficult feelings.
Or so I thought.
A Little Bit of Background
If you’re not familiar with these meditations, here is the briefest of introductions.
In both of them you can begin in the same way. Find a comfortable position. Ground yourself by weighting attention in the feet, then the seat, the hands and the breath. The idea is to find a place that can be the anchor of your attention should you need to return to it at any point. You might also have a sense of the body as a whole and sounds outside the body.
Fundamentally, you are coming into the present moment and finding your safe place: feet, seat, hands or breath. When thoughts wander off, you return to that place.
In Befriending you then practise extending compassion to yourself, using words to help you:
May I be safe and well
May I be peaceful
May I live with ease and kindness.
In the Turning Towards Difficulty Meditation, when grounding yourself you may find yourself having difficult, even painful thoughts. This time we allow the thoughts to sit on the Workbench of the mind (Mark William’s words, not mine). Or we can choose to bring a problem or difficulty to mind – probably not your most difficult life problem!
Allow it to be there and drop your attention into the body, finding the place where this difficulty shows itself. It might be in one small area or spread around the body. It could be very subtle feelings – twinges, tightening, bracing – or something more unpleasant...
Whatever, we then turn towards that physical sensation, leaning into it by breathing into the area, even saying to ourselves “I don’t have to like this feeling but I can be with it right now.” And then noticing what happens when we give space to these feelings.
Of course, it’s best to learn how to practise these meditations with a teacher as they are very powerful, or you could follow Mark William’s first course in Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World: Amazon.co.uk: Mark Williams, Penman, Dr Danny: 9780749953089 If you would like 1 to 1 advice and guidance, please contact me via this website for a no obligation chat.
Finding Kindness in Difficulty
It’s interesting that the Turning Towards Difficulty Meditation usually features in a Mindfulness course before the befriending practice. And I believe it’s as simple as this:
In order to be truly compassionate to yourself, you have to be willing to:
Admit to difficult thoughts and emotions
Allow them
and ultimately
Accept that they are already there.
There’s no point in trying to drown out unpleasantness with positivity or denial. Those difficult feelings are there and sometimes all they need is a bit of space. By focusing on physical sensations you abrogate the necessity for immediate action or problem solving. That can always come later.
What you might find is that the unpleasant feelings actually dissipate. Opening to what’s already there, giving space and a little attention to that difficulty, without the need to analyse it, can actually be an act of great kindness to yourself. This in turn can lead to better choices for you and those around you.
Once you can do this the next step might be to deliberately wish yourself well through the Befriending Meditation.
And let me be clear about a few things.
Admitting, Allowing and Accepting difficult thoughts doesn't mean you are "giving in" to negativity or being passive in any way at all. This is a completely different approach. You are acknowledging that as a human being you are suffering. It's the difference between a friend who listens without judgement when you have a problem and gives you a compassionate hug and the person who dismisses your difficulties and doesn't really listen or sympathise. They might come up with solutions and then get annoyed if you don't follow their advice. Sometimes all we need is that space to be seen and heard with compassion.
