What the ….. ?
Have you ever thought about what your use of language reveals?
Being more mindful of how you speak to yourself can make all the difference to how you feel.
I want to focus on one word in particular. Have a look at the following examples:
I really should have a dry January.
I should start to do some exercise today/tomorrow/next Tuesday.
I should get up an hour earlier and meditate for 45 minutes after I’ve sucked a lemon and had an ice-cold shower. (Perhaps not…)
The Power of the Should
This little word is technically speaking a type of auxiliary verb, a modal. Others include: can, could, may, might, must – you get the picture. They tell us about possibility, intent, ability or necessity. We use should, in particular, as a way of expressing what we think would be the right thing to do or the right state for something to be in. So, when we use should about our own actions, thoughts and emotions the effects can be undermining in all sorts of ways without our being aware of it.
What do you mean?
Let’s take the example I should start to do some exercise today and unpick that.
- First of all, you’re saying that you don’t do any exercise. Is that true? Or is it that there is an ideal that you’re hankering after which means you discount what you do already?
- What is the unspoken But that follows this sentence? But I don’t want to, I don’t have time, I’m too lazy, I can’t etc etc…
- If one of those chimed with you, how did it make you feel? I’m guessing it didn’t fire up your motivation to get started right now! That feeling of obligation, even duty, is quite deflating. It makes me think well, I’m not going to. And now I’m feeling disappointed in myself, a bit resentful and a bit petulant.
- Using should with the past tense is possibly more damaging as in, I should have started exercising yesterday. Now we’ve added regret and perhaps a bit of hopelessness to the mix.
- And by the way, if I add the adverb really before the modal it intensifies the effect – a double prod under the ribs where it really hurts.
So what sounded like some gentle, coaxing advice to ourselves is actually a form of self-sabotage, a form of aggression. Imagine an authority figure looming over you and wagging a finger as they say, You should……….
Mindful Modals
I prefer, I will do some exercise today or, if you want to be posh, I shall do some exercise today (as in, you shall go to the ball).
PS. Don’t wait for motivation if there’s something you want to do. Just do it. As Yoda famously said:
“Do or do not. There is no try.“
Motivation may never come. You could be hanging around for years. 
PPS. I just caught myself thinking, I should add some helpful exercises to the end of this blog… Which just goes to show - mindful awareness can save you extra work!
